Love + Logic = light (light bulb i.e.!)
This is the story of two utter failures and many half baked successes in my life of recent times. Notions of success and failure do bring in the filter of pass mark and exam context. The wholesome credit for that self examination belongs to Dr. Richard McHugh, venerable NLP Guru. It was Dr. McHugh who drilled into my bird brain the most important concept I learned (still learning!) about the Art of communication. The ideas of “The meaning of our communication is the response we get and there are no resistant listeners but only inflexible speakers” were quite difficult to grasp and even more difficult to practice..
Almost like showing the final scene of Alfred Hitchcock movie at the start of the movie itself, I have told you the back ground of my failures and half successes. Now Let us delve into the stories. I would like to emphasize on the word Story rather than incidents, because that was another concept Dr. McHugh taught us... Any perception of a human being is a Story and history is nothing but his /her story. So here we go.
Even though the two protagonists of the first part of the story were as different as chalk and cheese, there are many striking similarities in their temperament, their world view and their approach to life. I did know them for quite some time and it was quite bizarre that most of the communication between us happened thru emails. Also I am keen to add, that though the available evidences seems to suggest otherwise, both of them assumed they are perfectly right in all matters of contention, and the position of the undersigned or for that matter anyone else always lay in the realm of Grey or Black ( in their HUMBLE view ).
I rather limit my descriptions of them so that their identity is not compromised at all. It is not really important for one to know who these folks are. Rather than it would suffice to know, that in my own self righteous way I took many personal snide remarks in email chains from them, before reacting in response or responding in reaction in a clinical fashion like a Surgeon. The only difference being Surgeons apply Anesthesia before wielding their scalpel , why I ensure my innocuous remarks loaded with subliminal messages enter their brain while they are absolutely AWARE. . Usually when I do that, I do justify myself , remembering Krishna’s Shishupala story (where the Lord forgave 100 insults before hitting out) and Jesus ‘s mandate that we have to forgive 7 times 70 wrongs. It is taken, that my own cut off point counted in one hand (being an ordinary mortal human being) sounds quite liberal enough. The way the recipients recoils in violet fashion to those “innocuous remarks” does give the small dark and cold corner in my mind a momentary satisfaction. Soon sanity prevails when I realize that once again I have failed once again in the Dr. McHugh litmus test of communication.
Now the half baked success stories. Not long back I could negotiate with an hardnosed , smart builder to withdraw their demand of some Rs. 55 k just before registration of my apartment . I had to really blow hot and cold with them for a few weeks, before they finally relented. The most satisfactory successes come when I am able to convince my sons of small things, which often takes a long time in talking it over. (With 4.5 years old Manu and 2.5 year old son Rishi.) While the theory of whatever little I know, comes from Mr. Mchugh, the practical part of it I absolutely owe it to Manu and Rishi. (It is altogether a different matter, that they have their way most of the times. :-))
Last week after I was reflecting about one of the episodes on communication which ended up in utter failure, I found it quite interesting to note that while failures had common floors of past baggage as well as thrust on email communication, the successes came from either when the focus and purpose of communication was absolutely on the issue or when there was an absolute trust and love in the air. (As in the case with my kids.).
Regardless the vast progress we human beings have made in all the spheres in life, I believe the way we think and act have not changed since time immemorial. So it is fascinating to note that even though there are voluminous texts and research papers on the art and science of persuasive communication, but none captured the essence of it so beautifully like Aristotle. He divided the means of persuasion into three categories Ethos, Pathos and Logos. Ethos or ethical appeal means convincing by the character of the author / speaker. Pathos means persuading by appealing to listener’s emotions and Logos means persuading by the use of reasoning.
Ethos can be considered as base ingredient, since without it no persuasion or communication ever happens. As Emerson rightly put it, “what you are speaks so loudly, I can’t even hear you speaking”.
I believe all of us have a door in our heart which only can be opened from inside. . Most of the sensible people leave the door a bit ajar, only when they feel they are understood perfectly. The kind knock at that door can be termed as empathetic listening. (Love). When the door is slightly opened, that is the time to put our thinking cap and present Data, analysis and Logic. Without the initial empathetic listening, all our Logic never ever reaches its intended target.
When it works out well, that is when you see the Light bulb lighting on top of the listeners head.
As I found out from my own experience, the toughest part is Empathetic listening. The number of impediments to this can be quite long.. Past history between the Actors in the act of communication, our own Ego, impatience, lack of time, the basic need in each of one us to be heard and tendency to hog the air waves , all can force the door @ the Heart of listener close tightly. Also we need to be aware that by being empathetic, neither we are agreeing nor conceding any ground w.r.t views. We are just acknowledging with respect, that his/her view point may have merit in it. Our own conduct in empathetic listening, by being patient, by being respectful and by acknowledging is what opens the door in the heart. Once the door opens, one doesn’t have to be a Cicero to convey the message.
Love + Logic = light (bulb!).
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